The Problem with Vulnerability...

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...is that I keep forgetting just how much people suck.  Always gets me singing the refrain of this song...

Healing.

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See that up there?  It's a little crunchy, a little nutty and a little sweet.  

Granola.

Natural.

So it is with how I try to approach my health and diet.

Or, at least I thought it was.  

That is until the point when my digestive system was out of control.  Until the point when I had lost total control of the most basic bodily functions.

And that was when I started telling people "I think I'm going to go see a Naturopath".

For like, a year.

The reaction I got when I would mention this to people was something like, "Yeah, I thought you would have already done that!"  Or, "That's totally something that makes sense for you to do!"

And yet, I didn't make the call.

I knew there was a block.  I knew something was getting in the way.  I only procrastinate when there is a reason, when I truly know that I want something I attack it with enthusiasm.  And so I knew I had to really think it through.

The answer of course is that Naturopaths treat the whole person.  Body, mind and spirit.  They are all connected after all.

This is terrifying.

Being the neurotic person that I am, I tend to not want to let more people than necessary take a crack at my psyche.  It's bad enough that I work with a bunch of folks who can probably guess my entire psychological makeup based on what I share at the lunch table. There is something about being vulnerable that is paralyzing.  You know, since historically, being vulnerable with others has backfired enormously.

I kind of wanted the N.D. to just treat my symptoms the way that a doctor would.  Except with herbs and vitamins instead of drugs.

Once I figured that out, I had a decision to make.  The intake forms were pretty thorough.  Questions about mood.  Family relationships.  Support networks.

I could answer those questions the way I do in real life.  Good thanks, everything's fine!  How about you?

Or I could be honest.  Vulnerable.  Human.

That's the problem with being the pillar, right?  With being the only reliable one in any given group?  If you show your cracks the whole damn system is likely to crumble.

Of course, that's not what the "professional" me believes.  At work I constantly encourage people to show their vulnerability and test that theory.  And in other people's lives the systems don't crumble, in fact they're kind of strengthened.

But the "real life" me acts like it's completely true.  And a large part of me still believes it, to be honest.  I mean, it wasn't that long ago that I had to figure out a way to get a ride home from my colonoscopy. Those who were the closest to me were completely incapable of offering practical support.  And couldn't even figure out a way to ask me how I was doing with everything.  So the need to rely on my own strength is very real at times.

But still.  Here was an opportunity to try something different.  And so I did.

Honest.  Vulnerable.  Human.

It felt pretty ok.  Until the actual appointment, when she started asking me more questions.  I really wanted to take it all back.  And I did, kinda...by minimizing and glossing over things the way I do.

She took some blood samples for a food sensitivity test.  She gave me a list of supplements to start taking (fish oil -- which means that I'm technically not a vegetarian anymore, after nearly 25 years -- and curcumin, an anti-inflammatory that is the active ingredient in tumeric).  

And she told me I should journal about "control".

Actually, on the prescription pad she wrote it like "CONTROL!"

Haha, I guess she figured it out.

Since I hate journaling for real, I hope that this counts.  And maybe also counts as practicing vulnerability?  

It sure as heck is not easy.  But I suspect that my healing will need to be more than simply physical.  

Maybe, just maybe, now's the time.

Update

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I have a mental checklist of all the things I want to be blogging about, but just haven't had the time!  Between the holidays, being sick, and playing taxi driver for my kids, blogging has been pretty low on my priority list.

When I last wrote, it was just after my colonoscopy. Which feels like SO long ago!  Feel free to re-read it again to refresh your memory!   I had my follow up appointment one week later.

My appointment was booked for 9am, which truly is a terrible time for me to book anything.  That particular morning was quite difficult, and my body simply wouldn't allow me to leave my house in time to be punctual for my scheduled slot.  I was only 10 minutes late, but was feeling a great deal of anxiety about this.  I pride myself on being punctual (and if you grew up in my family, where being incredibly -- disrespectfully -- late for everything was the norm, you would understand.  My brother is the same way!) and that is just one more way that this disease causes more stress for me.

So I'm run-walking through the hospital, trying to get to the office as fast as possible.  They call me in, and I go in the little room to wait for the Doctor.  While waiting, I run through all the possible worst-case scenarios in my mind, trying to work through all the possible emotions ahead of time.  After losing my composure at my last appointment and watching how uncomfortable this made the doctor, I was determined not to do it again.

The door opens, and in walks a perky, young, blonde lady who proceeds to sit down and open my chart.

I burst out laughing, I just couldn't help it.

Me: Oh man, did he send you in here because I cried last time?
Her: Huh?
Me:  The doctor.  I cried.  Poor man looked so uncomfortable!
Her: Uh?
Me:  It's ok, you can tell him that I won't cry this time, he can come back!
Her:  Oh.  He's uh, busy, right now...
Me: You sure?  I promise I won't cry.
Her:  Ok, but he's busy.

She went on to say that they did not yet have the report from the doctor who did my scope, and they did not yet have the results from my biopsies.  She asked me if I remembered what the doctor told me after the scope was done.  I told her that he said that the inflammation was 30cms in.  She noted that in the chart and said that she thought the doctor was at the clinic that morning so she would go check with him to see if he "remembered me".

Me: Well, I was the youngest one there by about 30 years, so tell him it was probably the nicest butt he saw that day!
Her: Uh, we don't really pay attention to that...

Then she ran out of the room.

Sheesh, you'd think that butt-doctors would have a bit of a sense of humour about what they do for a living!

She came back with my actual doctor.  He reiterated that they did not have the report, did not have the biopsies.  Then he wanted to talk meds.  He spoke about how up until now we have been trying to get the inflammation under control with topical anti-inflammatory meds.  And how this clearly hasn't been working.  How he's asked me to consider trying Prednisone and that I've declined (my husband has Lupus and has been taking Prednisone for a few years.  I have seen some of the side effects and don't want to go that route if I don't have to).  He concluded that he felt that we needed to move away from topical meds and try systemic meds.

This is very troubling to me.

The options presented were to continue trying to stop the inflammation using anti-inflammatory drugs, but that he felt this would be like "using a wet rag to put out a fire".  His preferred option was to move into an immuno-suppressant.

Then he asked me what I thought.

The tears welled up, but I took a breath and kept them in.

I explained that I really did not want to use the heavier drugs at this time.  That I would take the prescription for the anti-inflammatory, and try that for a couple of months.  I also let him know that I had a consult with a Naturopath in a couple days, and that I wanted to explore that option as well.

He sighed, wrote the prescription, and let me know that was fine.  He said that he felt that the Naturopath would likely have some good options for me, and that he felt that they could work together to treat my disease.  He warned that stress was a likely trigger and that I needed to figure out a way to reduce this in my life.

Overall, I left the appointment no further ahead, but no further behind.  No one has mentioned the "Colitis" word yet, but I'm pretty sure I now qualify.  And I now had high hopes for what would happen at the Naturopath!